In a deeply personal episode of the Soul Boom podcast, Bobby Lee, a Korean American stand-up comedian, actor and podcaster, shared his stories involving family trauma, addiction, and the transformative power of therapy. His story is not just about recovery, but also a testament to the importance of understanding and healing the layers of pain that often run deep within our families and ourselves.

Photo credit: Watch the YouTube clip here

Intergenerational Trauma: When Hurt People Hurt People

One of the most striking aspects of Bobby’s journey is his exploration of intergenerational trauma. The tragedies, losses, and witnessed atrocities experienced by his parents during the Korean War had a lasting impact on his life, long before he was even born. Bobby spoke about how his parents suffered in their own ways due to the war, and how these unspoken traumas trickled down into him. He recalled experiencing his father’s anger and violent outbursts during childhood, which is unfortunately common amongst children of people with first-hand experience of the atrocities of war.

The Steps of Healing Trauma

Coming through therapy Bobby was able to see his parents as traumatised individuals who survived through unimaginable hardships. This shift in perspective allowed him to not only view them with newfound empathy and understanding, but also view his then child-self with compassionate eyes, which became a crucial part of his healing journey. In reality, this is a two-step process that is intricately linked. By acknowledging the hurt that he suffered as a child by the hands of traumatised individuals, Bobby was able to begin the process of freeing himself from the burdens of the past. This can simultaneous allow a deeper connection to our collective stories.

The key element of Bobby’s therapeutic journey was his work with his inner child—the vulnerable, hurt child within him that still carried the pain of his early experiences. Healing psychological trauma must take place in this order:

1. Stabilisation

2. Reprocessing

3. Re-Integration

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, founded by Dr Francine Shapiro) played a significant role in helping him process traumatic memories. EMDR can help you through the first two steps of stabilisation and reprocessing. It is a powerful form of therapy that allows you to change the feeling you have to the original traumatic event(s), and reduce its present-day visceral distress and disturbing memories. It can help you regain calm and truly experience emotional and physical stability. It also paves the way to restore the deeper parts of yourself further. Learn more about EMDR here.

Inner Child Work: Re-Parenting the Hurt Child

Bobby also engaged in inner child work, where he learned to re-parent himself. The re-parenting process is synonymous to the third step of re-integration. For Bobby it involved nurturing the parts of himself that felt abandoned, neglected, or invalidated as a child. Through inner child work, Bobby learned to provide the love, care, and validation that his child-self so desperately needed. This inner child work became a cornerstone of his healing that set the motion towards building a stronger and more compassionate relationship with himself. Schema Therapy (founded by Dr Jeffrey Young) has unique approaches to facilitate the re-parenting of the inner child. Learn more about Schema Therapy here.

Growth that Moves Beyond the Zero Line

As Bobby continued on his path of recovery and self-discovery, he and Soul Boom host Rainn Wilson delved into the concept of inner growth. They discussed the idea of “growth beyond the zero line,” a therapeutic term that refers to the process of moving beyond the mere absence of problems and stepping into a life of purpose, meaning and deep fulfilment.

Photo credit: Watch the YouTube clip here

The Essential Role of Healing in Living Wholly

Bobby Lee’s experiences highlight a critical truth: healing from trauma is essential for living wholly. Addressing the wounds of the past—whether they are your own or those passed down through generations—lays the foundation for a life that is not only free from the shackles of old wounds, but is also more integrated and whole.

If you ever get the chance, ask a therapist how they are journeying with their own inner work? Their responses can inform you on how your therapy is likely to be. It’s the old adage of you can’t lead someone to a place you haven’t been there yourself. There’s no substitute for this inner work; it’s what allows us to move beyond mere survival and into a life of authenticity and wholeness.

Wellspring Counselling is not a crisis service so if you or someone you know are thinking about suicide please call the Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 or 000 for emergency situations. For emotional distress please call Lifeline 13 11 14, Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Mensline Australia 1300 78 99 78.