Bullying is something many of us have encountered, whether as the bully, the one being bullied, or the bystander of bullying. In our therapy work, we’ve heard countless bullying stories from adult clients, and none have led to any healthy, positive psychological growth.

Bullying still occurs in the workplace between adults as much as it does amongst children in the school environment. Depending on the severity and duration, its impact is comparable to exposure to domestic violence and other forms of abuse. With children’s mental health, the issue isn’t just the event of bullying, but also factors like the relationship between the bully and the child, who knew about it, what adults did to help, and the child’s capacity to cope and internally process the experience. Unprocessed bullying leads to highly developed defence mechanisms of compensation, developing anxiety, or dissociation—most people oscillate between all three modes. Psychological trauma isn’t the scary experience itself but what the psyche does to defend us from fully experiencing it, hence the term fight or flight. Thus, when treating adults with significant issues traced back to bullying, we consider all these aspects.

The impact of say, low-level teasing amongst children this is often resolved with adequate adult intervention, but understanding a child’s capacity to withstand the longer term effects of emotional harm is tricky. Some parents take a hands-off approach, leading to neglect, while others are overprotective, leading to entitlement. The message is that children can’t learn resilience on their own.

Some children naturally have thick skin and aren’t fazed by bullying but may struggle with emotional connections later, particularly expressing emotional and being empathetic. Their counterparts are more emotionally sensitive and aware of their relational surroundings, and these are the ones who present themselves to therapy in adulthood. These two types of children are described in Dr Thomas Boyce’s book The Orchid and the Dandelion: Why some children struggle and how all can thrive.

Resilience, in our view, is the ability to face vulnerability and work through it without suppressing or drowning in sorrow. It’s high-level inner work that children can’t navigate without guidance. Adults play a crucial role, ideally balancing support and environmental management.

We admire all parents for managing the ever-changing dynamics of raising kids. As therapists, we get to comment and theorise, but you’re in the trenches every day. We hope these insights help.

Wellspring Counselling is not a crisis service so if you or someone you know are thinking about suicide please call the Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 or 000 for emergency situations. For emotional distress please call Lifeline 13 11 14, Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Mensline Australia 1300 78 99 78.