Do you often have moments like a sudden pang of nervousness? Sometimes it starts off small and barely noticeable but when it turns up it fully grabs your attention. This disturbing feeling rattles the senses and in that very moment it seems like nothing we do can make it go away.

As a child this feeling was frequently common for me and I didn’t have the knowledge to articulate what it was all about. Growing up in the early 90s mental health wasn’t commonly talked about in school and the internet wasn’t available yet. I was raised in Australia by hard working migrant Chinese parents who taught me the values of striving for success, giving to others in need and independence. However, very little attention was given to mental and emotional health. So I did my best to invalidate the daily pangs of nervousness and did enough to get by. I became highly self-sufficient, an expert at suppressing my emotions and unconsciously masked my problems from others.

I would suggest that these behaviours are defence mechanisms that are typically formed during our early to middle childhood years. When a child encounters an experience that is unbearable, where their capacity for emotional and mental pain is exceeded, a new set of beliefs and behaviours are created to protect them from the threat. We attribute this mechanism to our psychological structures which automatically reorganise themselves to ensure we survive any future threats of a similar nature. This is because our mind and body remembers the original moment when the experience of pain was overbearing.

Consequently, in those moments of emotional and mental pain the presence of supportive persons is crucial to help mitigate these challenges. However, we are not all fortunate to have supportive persons by our side at every moment, especially during childhood. As childhood continues into adulthood it is inevitable that we may fall back on automatic behaviours that were formed in response to past hurts. Every time these behaviours are manifested it is actually our child-self who is working to help us survive the moment. However, what was once useful and necessary during childhood was never meant for adulthood and beyond.

By holding on to our survival methods, either by choice or ignorance, would eventually cause further detriment to our mental health and wellbeing, and other areas of our lives. Some of these methods could be things we avoid or try to escape from, how we perfect ourselves or others, or moments when we dissociate or become numb. The first task is to know that these survival methods are neither bad nor wrong, and the second is to pay attention to how we react under stressful situations.

I want to acknowledge that this is a difficult and complex topic, and that a single blog article simply doesn’t do it justice. Change and transformation is slow and is never rushed so I hope to devote more time to expand on this topic in future blogs. For a deeper dive I recommend The Body Remembers by trauma psychotherapist Babette Rothschild and Trauma and the Soul by Donald Kalsched.

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Wellspring Counselling is not a crisis service so if you or someone you know are thinking about suicide please call the Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 or 000 for emergency situations. For emotional distress please call Lifeline 13 11 14, Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Mensline Australia 1300 78 99 78.