Do you often feel like your life isn’t entirely your own? Like the decisions you make, the actions you take, and the paths you follow are more dictated by others than by your own desires? You’re not alone. For many Asian Australians, the family or community often takes precedence over the individual, and boundaries and limits can feel like foreign concepts—underdeveloped, unclear, or entirely missing.

What are Boundaries and Limits?

Imagine your life as a house. The boundaries are the walls around your home, designed to stop people from entering your space uninvited. Limits, on the other hand, is like going for a long distance run with friends, but knowing exactly how far you want to go, no matter the distance others are going. These walls and exits are crucial for maintaining control over your life, yet for many of us they were never fully built, or are compromised.

Why are my Boundaries and Limits Underdeveloped?

The lack of boundaries and limits can stem from various sources:

• Relational Trauma: Experiencing trauma, especially in close relationships, can significantly impact your ability to set boundaries and limits. For instance, if you grew up in an environment where your needs were consistently ignored or overruled, you might have learned to suppress your voice and prioritise others’ desires to avoid conflict or abandonment. Over time, this can lead to a pattern where you struggle to assert your boundaries, unsure of where to draw the line because you were never taught that it was okay to have one in the first place.

• Cultural Expectations: Due to long lasting influences of Confucianism, deference to elders and community is still paramount, but often at the expense of personal boundaries. At Wellspring Counselling we work with many Asian Australians who have all experienced the tension between deferring to what their parents want versus listening to what they truly desire. Obviously, this is an universal feature among relationships, however, in the collectivist context the unique repercussions of bringing shame and dishonour can have severe psychological impacts on the individual. We recognise the positive attributes of filial piety and service to the collective, we also need to identify how some of our cultural traditions can negatively impact us, and potentially no longer serve us today. 
  

• Personality Type and Attachment Style: Some people naturally struggle more with setting boundaries, whether due to a more agreeable personality or an attachment style that prioritises others’ needs over their own. Conversely, some personality types are always starting new and exciting projects and often have multiple ones on the go. They often struggle with setting boundaries and limits for themselves and only realise when they find themselves burning out.

The Emotional and Mental Pain

The pain manifests in different ways: feeling out of control, as if something else is dictating your life; feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, constantly adjusting to others’ expectations; or losing agency, where your voice and needs are suppressed under the weight of cultural or relational expectations.

The causes can be rooted in our cultural conditioning. In Asian cultures, the tendency to prioritise the needs of the family or community over the self can reinforce a passive approach to life. We’re taught to wait on others, to put the community’s needs first, and to silence our own opinions. For Asian men especially, we’re expected to be stoic, strong and carry the burden for our family. Over time, this dual conditioning can lead to a pattern of passivity, where you allow others to direct your life, and also lead to a life where we are constantly self-sacrificing, sometimes even unknowingly.

You Can Make Changes

Understanding how your boundaries and limits became underdeveloped is the first step toward change. In the next post, we’ll dive into practical solutions and effective tips for building stronger boundaries and limits in everyday life. From clear communication strategies to learning how to say no without guilt, you’ll discover ways to reclaim your agency and start living a life that feels authentically yours. Stay tuned for Part 2.

Wellspring Counselling is not a crisis service so if you or someone you know are thinking about suicide please call the Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 or 000 for emergency situations. For emotional distress please call Lifeline 13 11 14, Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Mensline Australia 1300 78 99 78.