In Part 1 of Finding Home I laid down the background story of my family’s migration pathways and experiences. They encountered wars, poverty, and grieved the death and separation of family members. The central theme was how my parents managed to build a new life and established a home in a foreign country.

As I approached my adult years there was an unrelenting need to find out how they ‘made it’. I recall pressing my dad on his internal experience as a refugee but nothing he said seemed to satiate me. He repeated the old story play by play, like listening to a news broadcast. It felt more like a factual recount rather than a personal reflection. I was visibly unsettled and he could read my face well and sense my discontentment. Throughout the whole time he remained earnest and did his best to accomodate my questions. Admittedly it wasn’t an easy exchange for the both of us.

As I looked back at my young adult self I cannot help but smile because that impetuous part of me led to some difficult and necessary truths. This unrelenting need was in fact a longtime emotional hole that ached to connect with my dad. But why now at the cusp of adulthood and not when I was younger? I suspect there were subconscious fears about whether I had what it took to venture out and create a life of my own.

It wasn’t realistic to expect my dad to develop excellent emotional intelligence and communication skills overnight. The main priority during my parents’ early years was adhering to Confucian values and striving to meet their basic human needs. They couldn’t afford the luxury of soul searching or pursue personal growth. By coming to terms with this it allowed the start of accepting him for who he is- another human being doing the best he could with what he’s got. This also allowed the beginning of deep wounds being healed as I stopped projecting them onto others.

It’s taken me the last decade to process my side of this story, so I empathise with others who live with intergenerational trauma whilst trying to navigate dual cultural identities. In all the seasons of my life I’ve had a lot of help from many different people. Every individual’s journey is unique so it helps to seek out guiding principles to best manage whatever circumstances you find yourself in rather than look for prescribed solutions.

In my view, each generation has their unique set of tasks. The task set before my parents, grandparents and great-grandgrandparents was to stay alive, survive at all costs, and build a stable home for their children. I believe the task for this generation is to find a sense of home within our inner being, a place where we can finally rest and deeply settle into our truest selves. It would involve doing our own restorative work from the effects of intergenerational trauma.

A helpful starting point might be to locate a therapist with cultural intelligence. They could assist you to navigate the psychological and cultural nuances related to your family’s history. If you identify as an Asian Australian I would also like to invite you to check out Shapes and Sounds and scroll through their list of Asian Australian Mental Health Practitioners.

Wellspring Counselling is not a crisis service so if you or someone you know are thinking about suicide please call the Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 or 000 for emergency situations. For emotional distress please call Lifeline 13 11 14, Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Mensline Australia 1300 78 99 78.