What is loneliness?

Loneliness is a peculiar experience. We can experience it while we are by ourselves or we can experience it in the presence of others. It can make us feel invisible like we do not matter or belong anywhere. We live in a world with a multitude of everyday interactions, such as being on a bus full of people, in an office accompanied by the chatter of our workmates, or in our homes with our family members. How is it still possible that loneliness can cause us to feel abandoned by others and estranged from ourselves?

Our psychological needs

The answer: It arises when our psychological needs are not being met. According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, our psychological needs consist of intimacy, relationship, recognition, status, and accomplishment. When we get to experience them it creates belonging, safety, and a sense of knowing oneself. Therefore, when there is a deficit in these needs we can quickly lose a sense of our identity, feel overrun and hopeless about the future.

When we face changes

Our psychological needs are traditionally drawn from external sources such as parents and family members, partners, close friends, or mentors. This is usually the case during early childhood to adolescent years. In adulthood, our level of contact with others may decrease due to life changes such as moving out of home, the addition of children, job arrangements, and health. The COVID-19 pandemic where we need to socially distance from our loved ones is a prime example. It is not always possible to always look to others to fill our needs, especially during this time. Perhaps we could shift our focus and look within ourselves. That said, there has to be a balance to looking inwards and outwards and it is definitely beneficial to have a variety when possible.

5 things we can do ourselves

Here are some practical ways to address our own psychological needs.

The first section (3 questions) is designed to think about the important things in our lives and see whether they match up with how we are living. If they do not match up it could give us an indication of the causes of our loneliness.

The second section (2 activities) is designed to lift our mood and help us feel positive in the body. Hopefully these exercises can help increase our motivation, feel accomplished, and remain connected to our core values.

Start with your mind

Using pen and paper we can soothe our mind with imaginative thinking. By intentionally generating alternative thoughts we tune out any negative thoughts that are present. We also learn to enrich our hidden story lines and imagine a new way of living.

• How does loneliness make me feel, and are these feelings a true reflection of who I am?
• How does the loneliness get in the way of what I want?
• How does loneliness affect the way I feel in my body, and how would I like to feel instead?

Be in the body

Our brains can generate happy chemicals by doing these practical exercises. Allow yourself to experience positive sensations flowing through your body.

• Do one fun activity – something meaningful that brings you joy e.g. sitting on your favourite chair with a cuppa, listening to music, art and craft, exercise, reading, meditation or prayer, or being in nature.
• Then, do one task-oriented activity – e.g. cleaning dishes, making the bed, showering, making appointments, tidying up the cupboard, taking the bin out.

Remember to keep it simple, short and achievable e.g. 15-20 minutes. Repeat these two actions as often as you like and also think of new ones along the way.

To take on The Journey

As you go on a self discovery or rediscovery journey, its helpful to know that:

No one is immune from loneliness

Be aware of the desire to get rid of or flee from strong emotions. By grounding ourselves with these practices we increase our ability to withstand and respond with measured control.

Loneliness will dissipate over time as we give attention to our psychological needs

Where to from here?

I hope you find this a helpful kick-starter to dealing with loneliness. However, it is not a blanket remedy for all situations. If you feel you need more direction, follow this link to contact me today. You could be on the way towards living into a new freedom.
If this article was useful share it with somebody or leave a comment below as I’d love to hear from you.

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Wellspring Counselling is not a crisis service so if you or someone you know are thinking about suicide please call the Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 or 000 for emergency situations. For emotional distress please call Lifeline 13 11 14, Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Mensline Australia 1300 78 99 78.