In life, we often encounter periods of profound change that challenge our sense of self and the dynamics of our relationships. As a mental health service dedicated to serving men, we often meet clients who are grappling with feelings of guilt, shame, and confusion. It is increasingly popular for men to engage in online communications with other women, even though they are in a stable partner relationship and have children of their own. This has led men to question why they sought connections outside their relationship and why some of them felt more comfortable sharing with strangers than with their partner.

This situation isn’t unique. Many individuals experience similar struggles, especially during significant life transitions like becoming a parent. These moments can bring about unexpected emotional challenges and reveal deeper issues that we might not fully understand at first glance.

The Search for Connection

One key insight from our work in therapy was the idea that men are often seeking connection, whether or not they know it. The arrival of a child often shifts the focus within a relationship, and this can sometimes leave one partner feeling sidelined. In this case, the couple would feel a growing distance between themselves, leading to a sense of isolation. The natural shift in attention towards the newborn, while crucial, can inadvertently strain the couple’s intimacy and connection.

Understanding the Underlying Patterns

To understand why men would seek connections with other women, we might consider two psychological frameworks:

• Attachment Styles: Our early relationships, especially with our primary caregivers, often shape how we connect with others in adulthood. Attachment theory suggests that the emotional bonds we form with our caregivers influence our future relationships. Those with secure attachments tend to develop healthy, trusting relationships, while those with insecure attachments might struggle.
  • Insecure Attachment: Insecure attachment can manifest in different ways, such as anxious, avoidant, or disorganised attachment styles. Individuals with anxious attachment may fear abandonment and seek constant reassurance, while those with avoidant attachment might distance themselves emotionally to protect against rejection. Disorganised attachment often results from trauma or inconsistent caregiving and can lead to confusion and unpredictability in relationships.
  • Impact on Adult Relationships: Insecure attachment can lead to challenges in forming and maintaining healthy relationships. For example, someone with an anxious attachment style might seek validation and connection outside their primary relationship due to a fear of not being enough for their partner. Conversely, those with avoidant attachment might engage in distant or superficial relationships to avoid deep emotional intimacy. Understanding our attachment style can provide valuable insights into these behaviours and pave the way for healthier connections.
• Fatherhood and Role Models: when a man steps into the role of a father, his own experiences with his father—or lack thereof—could be influencing his actions. This transition can bring to the surface unresolved issues or unmet needs from his past, prompting behaviors that seem confusing or self-sabotaging.
  • Role of the Father: The way a man was fathered can significantly impact how he approaches fatherhood. If his father was emotionally unavailable, critical, or absent, he might struggle with feelings of inadequacy or fear of repeating those patterns. These unresolved issues can manifest as seeking validation or connection outside the family unit, as a way to cope with the pressure and expectations of being a father.
  • Breaking the Cycle: Understanding these influences is the first step toward breaking the cycle. By acknowledging and working through these past experiences, we can develop a more conscious and intentional approach to fatherhood. Therapy can play a crucial role in this process, providing a space to explore these dynamics and develop healthier ways of relating to both their partner and child.

The Path Forward

Addressing these deep-seated issues requires time and introspection, often with the help of therapy. Therapy provides a safe space to explore these patterns, understand their origins, and develop healthier ways of meeting emotional needs. The journey towards self-awareness and healing is deeply personal and varies for each person.

It’s crucial to recognise that seeking help and understanding these behaviors isn’t about assigning blame but rather about gaining insight and fostering growth. By exploring these emotional landscapes, we can better understand our actions, improve relationships, and ultimately, find more fulfilling ways to connect with those around us.

A Call to Reflect

For anyone who resonates with this story, remember that you’re not alone. Many people face similar challenges, and seeking connection is a fundamental human need. The key is to understand the deeper reasons behind our actions and to approach these issues with compassion and openness. Whether through therapy, self-reflection, or conversations with trusted loved ones, taking steps to explore and address these feelings can lead to significant personal growth and stronger, more meaningful relationships.

Wellspring Counselling is not a crisis service so if you or someone you know are thinking about suicide please call the Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 or 000 for emergency situations. For emotional distress please call Lifeline 13 11 14, Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Mensline Australia 1300 78 99 78.